MATAPANG AKO

May mga pagkakataong masasabi kong matapang ako, nagiisip at hindi makasarili. Mga pagkakataon na humanga ako sa sarili ko. Dahil kahit masakit at gusto ko sumigaw at ipilit ang sarili ko, hindi ko ginawa. Ginawa ko ang tama. Ginawa ko ang nararapat. Ginawa ko ang dapat. Ginawa ko ng walang pag-aalinlangan. Ginawa ko para ibalik ang ningning sa mga mata mo.

Napaka tapang ko ng gabing iyon. Kahit ako hindi makapaniwala na kaya ko pala yun. Na kaya ko pigilan ang madalas kong maingay na damdamin. Na sa loob ng pagkatao kong ito,may nagtatago palang super hero. Siguro nga madami na akong pinagbago, hindi ko na inuuna ang gusto ko.

Gising na ako. Gising na gising. Natuto na ang mga mata ko tumingin sa reyalidad ng buhay. Alam ko na kung ano ang pinagkaibahan ng pwede sa impossible. Hindi stop, quit o give up ang sagot kundi, move on.

Magiging masaya at kuntento ako. Patuloy na magiging matapang.

Para sa ningning ng mga mata mo.

At para narin sa akin.

Sorry, Thanks. Goodbye.

I wish I could tell you everything,
So that one day you would understand.

Someday,

when I am ready.

Someday,
when life's easy.

Someday dear,
when I'm braver.

We will have that talk.

That long conversation.

But for now,
lets cut the chase.

I wouldn't want you to wait in vain.

Go and hate me,
You will need to.

Pls, let go.
Im not worth holding on to.

STOP.
QUIT.
GIVE UP.

HATE ME.

This is for your own good,trust me.

But then again,
you should never have.

I

The bus ride was a revelation, Its hard when reality hits you straight at the face. Things I tried so hard to deny and hide was being ripped out of my chest. Right there and then, I wanted to cry, scream and tell my bestfriend to stop. Why? Because Im the greatest coward there is. And I am not ready to hear that. Those.

But Im glad I did. And thankful that I have friends, ready to make me see my mistakes,rub them on me if needed, and a friend who just dont know how to sugar coat things and tell me Im wrong, when God knows I need scolding. More than scolding.

The things is,

I don't know who I am, I'm like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode any moment now. I don't know what I want and what I need. I guess all I know is I want to be happy. Is that so wrong? In my case, yes. Why? Because, my means are wrong.

I don't know why Im here, I am lost. I am not going nowhere.

I thought I found myself, but no I didn't. I found someone else to fill the empty spaces for me. Someone I do not know, someone who right now, I also call ME. This ME is great. Oh! You'll love her. But she is incomplete. I am incomplete. And I know that no one can complete me, besides myself. Self centered? Very. And GOD knows I need to grow up.

I need a lot of growing up to do.

Where to start? You got me, I dont know where to start.

"dun ka sa tama"

I don't even know whats right. Much more what to do. I DON'T KNOW, and thinking makes everything blurry.

I want myself back.

Where to start?

I don't know. And even If i did know where and how.

I don't think I can.

Stop VS. Quit

To know when to quit versus knowing when to stop.

Should I stay? Should I go?

Hush..hush dear... I know, I know...

The what and why is the easiest, but like I said, the HOW is always the hardest.

To quit means to give up, to stop means you know better.

Stopping ain't always a bad thing, it can actually be great.

But to quit means cowardice. Its always, always negative.

To stop smoking is good, to quit smoking is not possible.

Just like loving, we can stop but we can never quit.

On Jason Mraz.

I am now officially Jason Mraz' fan.

Not to mention how good his lyrics are, he has heart.

If I were a song writer, Id write the way he does.

Boy, is he good.

Puzzle

Turning my safety off
I'm ready to talk to you alone
A kiss, a hug, another drink
Puts me right back to
Denial of persistent memory

I'm watching you
Make a fool of you

Over and over

You can leave the fire open

It's not dying anyway

Turning my safety off
Unclasping my unguarded moments for you
Nothing here is apropos
And I'm crying out to saints and sinners alike

I'm giving you
All the soul I've got
Again and again

You can leave the memory open
You're not dying anyway

Turning my safety off
I'm ready to fall in love with you
Over and over and over again

Turning my safety off
I'm ready to fall in love
With you

--TURNING MY SAFETY OFF - SINO SIKAT?

If its not dying, why do we bother to deny it.

If its not going anywhere, why do we bother to fight for it.

Hope? Where do we search for hope?

Reality you say? I'd rather dream forever.

Scared? yes. WE should be.

BUT THEN AGAIN...

I TURNED MY SAFETY OFF.

The "WHAT" is easy, Its the "HOW" that makes it hard.

Decisions are not meant to hurt, its meant to make you happy.

- Id give anything for this to come true.

I guess, I just have to wait and see.

And If time and space permits,

and I see u there.

...........

Then,

I guess...

ITS MEANT TO BE.